17 weeks and counting....

If you go by the calender, and not the baby's size, I am just over 17 weeks. Whoo hoo! 20 weeks is nearly here!

I apologize profusely for not writing much this past week. I kind of became a hermit/troll type of person. Well, not even a person really. Mostly just a hormonal blob of pain. I did not take pregnancy well the past week or two. I am happy to say that things are getting better, at least mentally. I think I really owe it to one idea. I hate, hate, hate being pregnant. GASP! I can imagine your jaw right now. You are probably thinking, "Can she really mean that?" "Her of all people?" or, "How ungrateful!" Maybe some combination of those?

Well. I have decided, that for the moment, I hate it. I have also come to realize that it is ok to hate it. That doesn't mean I love the little baby I have growing inside of me any less. Or that I will be a terrible mom. Or even that I wish I wasn't pregnant. It just means I hate what my body is going through. For those of you who know me well, you probably know that I am a control freak sometimes. This is the ultimate out of control experience. Watching my body change without my help or knowledge, and crying randomly at my desk at work. Both not fun and not in my control. It is the pits.

The worst of all I think is really not knowing what is "normal" and what is not. You can read all of the pregnancy books under the sun but none of them REALLY tell you "what to expect when you are expecting." No one tells you just exactly what pains are normal and what are not. For example, no one can tell me if the fact that my uterus feels like someone took a baseball bat to it is "normal" pains or perhaps pains associated with my bicornuate uterus and the baby is running out of space. Which could happen already, since the baby from head to rump is already about 5 inches. Add some legs in there and I am guessing 8-9 inches total. So, I painfully worry that the pain is not normal. Worry. Don't get me started on worry. I am not even a mom yet and I have worried a ridiculous amount about this little one already. It is crazy! That is definitely worth another blog entry of it's own.

For now, I am content with just hating being pregnant. That actually brings a little smile to my face. Just to be able to fess up and say I am a huge whimp who hates it. :-) So, I think I will go eat a bowl of icecream now!